i cant , i just cant win where im and keep banging my head against the same wall .

 

dont get me wrong , im NOT lost , instead , im quite clear where i wanna go and wat i wanna do , and i also understand there is no shortcut , being able to build a platform where i get to share with people inspiring and motivating stories and affect people's lives in a positive way has always been my dream , i always believe it is my life assignment. i know it may sound like a pipe dream that will never happen , its too big to be true , but , hey , this is where i wanna end up , for now i know im not even close to getting there. which is why i feel frustrated and depressed .

 

im doing the same thing that iv been doing , i dont feel as though im making progress though , its like u working out everyday , u just dont seem to be getting in shape , which leaves u just feeling frustrated and wanting to throw in the towel. its gotten to the point where i keep asking myself , how far do i have to go ? the feeling is overwhelming !

 

there always comes a time in life where you just feel conflicted , you just feel pulled in many directions , or your energy and focus is being pulled away from what you really wanna do , like ur highest calling , its really hard for any of us to give up a life that people think is right for us and to pursue a real life that really reflects who you are . besides , there is something called REALITY you need to deal while having a dream to pursue , from that standpoint , i really admire those who have achieved their dreams , cos i know it is NOT easy .

 

like i said to my friend today , on one hand , i really want more work that can bring in money on a consistent basis , but on the other hand , i know i really need to free myself up to do something more important , there is a conflict that you need to handle... but to be honest , if i could have my own way , id stop doing wat iv been doing and start learning something iv always wanted .

 

where am i at with my life ? im at a point in my life where i cant win where im , one thing i know for sure is i need a change , a postive one ,,, i will figure out how to make this one happen pretty soon , i cant keep living the way im living my life now , it leads to HELL ,,,

 

 

i was trying hard to sleep a little while ago but i just couldnt get to sleep , i really hate it when i know i need sleep but there is something that keeps me up

 

i dont know , i just cant remember when is the last time i felt the same way im feeling now , i dont know why , its been haunting me  like millions of bricks hitting me. the feeling is kinda overwhelming ,,,,,,,,,,

 

right now im sitting in front of my laptop , trying to reflect on my past few days , trying to figure out whats been bothering me and why i feel like a downer out of a clear blue sky. here might be the reason that i need to get off my chest , i need to go back to being positive , i need to get this shit out of my system ...

 

my sister came over early this week with another woman i barely know , both of them have been in foreign trading business and trying to grow their business ., its kinda ironic , it was my major but this is not my world , they said  a lot of shit to me and made me feel as though i was totally on the wrong track with my career . they talked about lots of people my age who stricked it rich doing this business and tried to talk me into doing the same , i know if i was successful or rich doing what iv been doing , they would have said nothing of what they did , i know their life is about instant gratification , so wat, its not my life and dont try to get me doing what they thought was right for me . please dont , it only ends up making me feel bad about myself and wat iv tried to achieve . id like to give it a shot if i have the chance , but i cant see myself doing that though . at this point in my life , i need to hear the positive voice instead that can keep me motivated and inspired... i know how hard it can be to stay focused against skeptisim and critisim , the world sucks ...

 

waiting is also frustrating , especially for something you really want to see happening ! like closing a deal .u did the best u could and u hope for the best with fingers crossed , and u wish u could do more to secure the deal , it sucks to feel outta control !

 

i guess i just figured out why iv been as frustrated as im , im not able to think straight right now , maybe i need to catch some Zssssssssssssssssss

 

each time i feel what im feeling , i always wish how wonderful it would be to feel positive and empowered