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June 30 i was freaked outi went to bank to take some money outta a crappy ATM and it says my passord is wrong , it cant be ! cos i was using it right before ,, and my card was eaten by this shitty ATM , i was really freaked out , and then i went to confront this bank people about this and she was like "our ATM works ok and im sure you punched in the wrong code , its ur pro " , then she proceeded to ask me stupid questions like do u have ID ,,, when did u use ur card ,,,which is ok , as it sounded like she was trying to sort this shit out for me , the only thing i dont think i can stand is the way she talked to me , felt like i was being interrogated by cops , and this is what i told her ,,,look ,,,dont confuse bank with police station , ok ? im ur client , not ur suspect , when shit like this happens , you are supposed to take care of it , and its not like im groveling at ur feet and begging u to handle this shit ,,,and you have a serious attitude problem ,,, i know it might be rude , but i just wanted to speak up for myself , the funny thing is when i "made that scene " , those who were waiting in line actually started to complain about their lousy service too , and i felt like i just did the right thing ,,,but i was really more freaked out than pissed off as this is my bank card , not my transportation card , when i was told my code might have been changed by someone else ,,you can imagine how i was feeling in that moment ,,,watever ,,,it turns out it was a false alarm and it was just cos the ATM was fucked up , u c ,,,this is bank and i just refuse to believe bank would have prob like this ,,,which makes me wonder how hard it is to get the service you deserve ... June 24 im a LONER SAVANT, STILL FEELING FULFILLED ,,,DONT GET ME WRONGthere are many areas of my life that i need to get together
, how many are the most important ones ? finanical situation ? relationship ? or career ,,,
damn it , i dont know why , i just feel kinda FRUSTRATED ,,,
seriously , im frustrated , maybe im desperate or even devastated ,,i dont know why , i really need to stop to look at myself and start asking myself , where im ? where im with in my life and if im really happy with where im headed ?
i kinda went on a double date with 2 gals and one canadian guy tonight , it went ok and i know i was not attracted to that girl that they wanted to set me up with , i mean even sexually , she is ok , i guess something must be wrong with me , or am i turning into a gay ? ,,no way , if i was , i would be interested in guys , but im not ,,,what the hell is wrong with me ?
after we finished the dinner , we just headed back home seperately , i came up with a good excuse that i couldnt hand out late tonight cos i had to get up early , actually , i really have to get up early , i was just NOT interested ,,, i mean i could have suggested doing something else like pubbing or something , i just didnt want ... am i an incredibly BORING guy , like a fucking loser who doenst know how to have fun , i guess im not , you know what , when i was on my way home , i mean when i was waiting for a cab , there was a girl waiting beside me and i was thinking , if the girl they set me up with was ANYTHING like this one , i would have gone for her DEFINITELY , the girl was not that pretty , but she looked innocent and had a good sense of fashion , looks like my type of girl ,, i wish i had the guts to walk up to her and ask for her number or something , i dont know why im such a loser , i wish i had the same courage as i had to make public speech in front of hundreds of people , i wish i had gone for her , shit ,,,why couldnt i have just gone up to her and said something ,,,TONY,,,,u are a loser !
i need to get up at 7 and head for another city for business tomorrow , cant believe im still up writing shit like this right now , am i deserpate for intimacy on any level ? i dont know , is there someone out there who could give me some advice ?
there is one tihng i have always wondered about , i dont get it why it is so hard to find a girl im attracted to or a girl who is truly attracted to me ? is this happening to all of u guys , maybe i shouldnt take it personally , but i really dont understand ,,,
im short , that is the only thing im not happy with myself , but i know it should not get in the way of having someone like me ,
im boring ? not sure ,,,i guess most of the time i m ,,, except the class or speech
im poor ? kinda , but im financially ok , i get to live a nice pad with an ayi cleaning it up every week , im ok ,,, but i do know i really need to get my financial health in better shape like everyone else
im ugly ? i guess im ok , not that hedious ,
im egoistical ,,,i firgure im ,,,but not overly , i just love myself and self confident and i just care much more than most people about personal development , i know most of us are too busy or too IGNORANT to focus on this area , which may sound offensive , who cares , you see , im self-involved ,,,
one of my friends says that im more mature than most people in late 30's ,,, he is around that old and kinda sophiscated and mature , i mean he is leading a nice life ,,,at least richer and more balanced than the most ,,, but im ONLY 28 ,,,i knew he was complimenting me but i dont like it , im only 28 and i want a girl around my age who knows me like my friends do , shit ,,is this really like a mission impossible ????? is this why i only get to make friends around 30 or older ,,, look at my life , i have couple of friends , they are married and have kids , leading quite a balanced life , have been thru a lot ,,, and they KNOW me ,,, but ,,,
like this girl tonight , or all the girls around my age iv got to known over the past few months , they ,,,,they ,,,,we just dont click and i just cant ,,i just cant seem to get on the same wavelenth with any of them , and most of them just started JUDGING me coulple of hours after they knew me ,,and saying stuff like "you are so self-involved , you are so different than me , you are so YOUNG / ",,,i know they , i mean they are just like my age or in early 20's see me as a kid just cos i look young for my age , i just cant FORCE myself to be interested in anything they say , what they know ? eating ? drinking ? fashion ? no , they dont , they dont seem to have a good taste , what they basically know is HAVE BORING FUN ,,,shit ,,,iv really had it ,
and its really hard for me to have a conversation with them , its not like im different or tring to make myself sound really special like they said , you know im not , i just ,,,in desperate need of someone who really understands me and cares about me and nurtures me , where are u , my honey girl , where are u ??? how can i find a girl who is as mentally mature as im ?
do i need to get more socialized to come across this gilr , maybe i should follow my partner's suggestion ,,thats what she suggested ! its not like i dont like socializing with others , i just think chatting with those girls who havent been actually exposed a lot to the real world is a gigantic waste of my time ??? i know this sounds even a little pathetic or looked down upon , but this is how i actually think , am i wrong ? pls ,,somebody ,,help me !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
the only ones that i can have a good or meaningful conversation are those who i mentioned above , they are mairred , and they are older ,,much order than me , we can only be friends , i need a girl my age ,,,around my age ,,,is it like NO WAY ???
you dont have to be amazingly beautiful , you gotta be pretty , you dont have to be curvy , but you gotta be slim ,,, you dont have to be incredibly smart , but you gotta be mature ,
you dont have to ambitious , but u gotta be mentally and financially independent , you dont have to be LIKE me , but you gotta understand me , i dont wanna a gilr who is totally like me , cos im a boring guy , i guess i need a really cheerful girl who can make me laugh , who can be there when i need her,,, and this girl gotta have her own personality , this girl ,,, my god , this girl ,,,where is this girl ????
wats wrong with me ??? tony ,,,,im strong , i can get thru tough times like this in my life , but im a guy , i could be weak , and part of me is really hoping i will find THIS GIRL who would match up ,,,
there is one tihng im sure of , if the girl cant understand all the stuff iv written here , she is absolutely not the one , of course , she doesnt have to speak good english , the reaon im speaking english here is not that i wanna SHOW OFF my english or something, maybe its a little easier for me to get stuff out of my stystem ,,,and good practice :)
i know i need to get this part of my life together , cos i need it ,
i know i need to be focused on my career at this point in my life , but haviing THIS GILR around might make things easier for me , or make my life less boring , and make me less of a LONER SAVANT !
June 23 a thought-provoking ppt/be more supportivelast night i got a PPT from my friend Arthur , its about 2 choices , thanks Arthur:) for sharing such a nice ppt with me even though i have read this before , i totally agree with all that it says and i believe positive attitude can go a long way in any case , this is like one of my major principles or mottos of my life , like people say , most of the time ,you cant choose what could happen to us , BUT you get to choose how you REACT to it , the way you react can make a huge difference and produce different results , often things are not as bad as they can be , like i always said , people just tend to be focused on the negative side and are used to complaining about it , its kinda weird that people ,,i mean most of us seem to like surrounding themsleves with negative thoughts or negative people and bitching about what they suffer , my experience has taught me COMPLAINING , bitching , lashing out against someone else or turning on ur friends ,,,i mean all these things WILL NOT make things better or accomplish anything , it just ends up making things worse instead , if life is all about growing up , i mean if you agree with this , im sure you will agree with life is all about making choices , i hear people say the very thing that seperates human being from animals is that human being can make their decisions or choices based on more than instinct , i totally agree with it and you know what i think when something bad or unwanted happens to me ? i choose to face it head on and try to figure out what this bad experience is trying to teach me or help me to become a better person , cos i want to grow up emotionally and spiritually , cos we NEED TO and SHOULD be more focused on personal and spiritual development , when you look at it this way , things get much easier and less devastating , like i said before , if you accidently or unexpectedly lose u job , you could choose to go off on ur employer or start complaining why this has to happen to u ,,,i know things like this might be hard on anyway , but you also get to choose to see it as a chance to reevaluate ur life or career direction , to see if there is anything else you need to learn to help u become more successful in the future or to see if there is some qualities that you need to develop to help u land a better job , actually , there has gotta be a reason for anything that happens in our lives , and we just need to be focused more on working on ourselves rather than trying to solve issues in a passive way ,,, i really like this guy JERRY in this story , im not surprised that he is extremely popular with all of his colleagues and friends or anyone who knows him , cos people like him is too rare in our lives , what matters most is all of us need motivation and support at this point or another in our lives , whenever we decide to explore something new or try to think big , i mean it can be a very vulnerale time and this is when POSITIVE SUPPORT comes in handy , we can choose to support him by simply saying stuff like this ,,im sure you can do it , im convinced you will get there soon , just go for it and hang in there ,,,stuff like this can be really positively IMPACTFUL and helpful , but we always hear people throw cold water over others' ideas or suggestions or decisions , when we make important decisions like getting married to someone or getting divorced , people just feel WOBBLY , even though he or she knows what he should do or he knows his heart is NOT lying to him , and he knows he should listen to wat his heart tells him to do , the very thing he needs at this critical point is SUPPORT , positive support means a lot !!! i just dont get why people ,,most of us always have a tendency to choose to give NEGATIVE opinion about others'decisions even though they have NO idea what that are talking about , haha , seriously , my suggestion is always believe in urself and stay ur true self ,,, cos most of those who give us negative thoughts are the ones who havent accomplished anything big in their own lives , they might be older than us , they might be more mature than us , the funny thing is people tend to use AGE as a yardstick to judge how mature a person is , which is ridiculous and doesnt make any sense to me ,cos most of us ,,,90% of us choose to live our lives based on others needs or live others lives instead of his own ,i dont understand how people like this can possibly give me any creative or BOLD advice , you know what , anything worth having in our lives INVOLVES risk , speaking of risk , risk can be a good thing , you need to develop this risk - taking muslces and it will allow us to handle something seemed impossible or intimidating in the past , if we want to get what we deserve , you need to learn to take bold steps instead of just staying in line , i know it might be hard at first , its more like of a habit than just a quality ,,,success is a habit , or an attitude , or the way you choose to react ,,, i guess they are just the same deal ,,, thanks Arthur for sharing this ppt with me , and im sure you must have forwarded this to lots of friends , like i said , some of them might choose to see this ppt as a story , some might choose to see it as a lesson , some might choose to see it as a guideline to help himself live a better life ,,some might choose to see it as a shitty ppt ,haha , but you chose the right thing to do ,,,to share it with ur friends , haha , cos it does help some of us in a positive way and i gotta say ,,,we need this , people need this , im sure most of us could go a little bit farther than where they are if each of us knew how to support ,,, thanks for all the support iv got so far and you dont know what they have meant to me !!! positive attitude is EVERYTHING :) June 14 the hotmail is SO messed up ,,,it takes me FOREVER to send email via MESSED UP HOTMAIL,,,what the hell is wrong with hotmail people ,,, arent they aware of this ? i cant believe this ,this is really a bad karma cos when im starting to use my email more frequently , it seems to be beginning to get in the way ,,, hey ,hotmail people ,,, what are u doing ? is this kinda protest against being underpaid or what ? or see it as a way to disengage emotionally ? pls ,,,dont take it out on those using the hotmail ,,,people need this to make money , people need this to do what they are used to doing ,, people cant COMMUNIATE with such a freaking slow speed ,,,do something for gods sake !
somebody out there ????
geez ,,,
i would stop using ur stuff if things wouldnt change for better ,,,its not like we dont have any other options ,,,
haha ,,pls ,,do something  June 10 u DONT understandplease ...dont call me a loser , im not COOL and i know i m gonna ever be ...
i dont need your sympathy cos all u need is THERAPY , cos all u think is to fit the mold and do what you are told ,,, you are a F***ING LOSER ,,not me.................................................
im gonna start a RIOT and im gonna BREAK THE RULS , ,,and fuck REMEMBER what im saying here ,,,im gonna SUPRISE the hell out of you ,,,im gonna shock you ,,,im gonna do something you dare not even think , im gonna be myself ,,,and dont tell me what i need to do ,,,
im not gonna be LIKE you , im NOT gonna get a JOB and start GROWING OLD , im not ...
whats wrong with these people ,,im NOT just trying to be different than you guys ,,im just telling you , ,,,im just not gonna be the same ,,NEVER ...cos im growing UP UP UP ,,,cos im know 9 TO 5 is not gonna make my dreams come true
dont talk to me if you dont understand what im talking about , a bunch of losers ,,,get lost ,,fuck you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
im sorry i got this rage going on,,,
 tony ,,,are u ok ?
im cool ,,,im just determined to do the THING iv wanted to do
and NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING ,,NOBODY NOBODY NOBODY CAN knock me down , you cant ,he cant , she cant , cos i will keep on MOVING !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  June 07 success starts with the POSITIVE attitudeiv been asked how to improve english a million times
 iv been asked how to lose weight many times
 people always wonder how to get what they want , myself included
 all these yearnings just makes me wonder what exactly is it that is in the way of getting where we wanna go
when people go about finding a job they really care or like , most of us are used to being focused on fine tuning their resume to make it as stunning as possible , and they have tendency to sharpen their interviewing skills by jumping into hundreds of interviewing Q&As, which might help a lot , like people always say , it at least gives u confidnce as you know you are prepared. however , my experience has taught me , if I may say ,,, POSITIVE ATTITUDE is the first thing an employer is looking 4 in candidates , remember , A PERFECT resume can lie , verbal communication can lie , but your attitude can NOT lie ,,,it is something that can ONLY BE felt and conveyed , u just cant FAKE it ! which might explain why many candidates failed to get the job even thoughthey seemed to be very happy with the interivew and felt really great afterwards ,,,
it doesnt make any sense ? i dont know about u guys , it makes A LOT to me , cos success ,,i mean any success starts with the right attitude , which is good news if you buy it , there is another bad news , a bad attitude guarantees failure !
whenever most of us wanna learn something or get something , we are just used to asking "how-to's" , we tend to be focused on METHOD , GUIDELANCE, or STRATEGY! all these things help DEFINITELY ,
however , all these OUTSIDE help means NOTHING to u if your thoughts doesnt allow you to succeed. what does it mean? said differently , its not what you can get outside , its what you have inside that COUNTS !!!
still wonder why ? confused ?? ok ,,,lets illustrate this point by keeping on talking about learning English ...
what is the first thing that pops into ur head when it comes to learning English ?
a good professional bilingual teacher ?
a deluxe textbook ?
a SO-CALLED PRO training center ?
you name it , they have it on the market ,,, more than you can possibly choose
when most of us work on english ,
if this book doesnt work , you get to change ,
if u dont like the teacher ,,,switch him / her ,
if you seriously doubt whether the training center you choose is pro or not (btw, iv personally been to literally all training centers in shanghai , sadly , they are NOT pro , if i had that much money to rent a location like that , i could make it more pro ,,, sadly , most of them are just money-grabbing agencies with some foreign TRASH )
im talking crazy ??? come on , im sure you guys know that better than me , i guess most of english learners have been exposed a lot more to them than i have and bascially they ended up NEVER getting the service and results they wanted. believe it or not , just ask around !!!
why ? remember what i just said ,,,the bad news is you are going NOWHERE if your thoughts and self image does NOT allow you to succeed , in other words , whenever we make up our mind (even if we are just interested in trying) , we ONLY focus on how-to's and very few of us are actually ready to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to make it happen!!!
ok ,,lets talk about what it takes to IMPROVE ur english speaking skills
1, practical and useful materials
, most of the english books you can find out there are written my chinese , they are no good ! and they can be misleading .check with those around you who can speak good english for advice. 2, a pro who can speak both languages , im a chinese and i personally believe a chinese teacher who can speak good english can be a better teacher than native speakers cos he has a better understanding of what we are going thru when it comes to leanring another language ,but make sure the teacher you choose have plenty of experience dealing with foreigners in real life ,,, if you are stuck with an english teacher who doesnt have many chances to use this language , i suggest you move on to the next one. of course , there are some nice native english teachers , but VERY VERY FEW ! most of them are just stuck being an english teacher in China , be choosy when you choose
 . btw, native speakers can be good partners if ur english is ALREADY good enough to practice with....what else ????
3 ,,,a GOAL , like people say , you are going NOWHERE if you dont know where u wanna go ,,
whats ur purpose of learning this language ? be an educator or be a communicator ? most of us fall into the second category , then be focused on communicative stuff rather than shakespear's stuff ,,, not sure wat those english majored students learn in university , but i know their written communication is pretty good , but they oral english can NOT beat a three yr old american kid ,why ? they are focused on "ADVANCED" stuff , they are focused on their exams .
once you are clear about ur personal goal , its all about speaking , then start speaking .
speaking of GOAL , it should be an attainable goal which keeps you CHALLENGED , and a goal is also supposed to be specific ! like i said , i wanna lose weight is not , neither is "i wanna speak good english " ! a goal statement should be something like this "i want to speak good english in one year by practicing (how many sentences or other stuff ) EVERY DAY "
in other words , the only way to make your goal HAPPEN is to break it down to manageable daily TASK. it makes things a whole lot easier and you will feel less overwhelmed
4,,,how to get ur daily TASK accomplished ?
there is one old chinese saying that just came to my mind right now "a journey of thousand miles begins with a SINGLE step " before you get it started , pls ,,dont FREAK OUT and feel OVERWHELMED , or surround urself with self-defeating thoughts like i wish i could , i dont think i was born with that TALENT ,i wish could speak it with ZERO offort, i wish it would happen overnight
,,stop thinking that way ,,please ,,, all these imaginations WONT help !!! REMEMBER ,,,if you are not focused on IMPROVING ur thoughts , you will get NOTHING accomplished ... wat i suggest u do ? get ur ass in gear and put one foot in front of the other ,,, my friend , stop asking how to and start focusing on YOURSELF ! still dont get it ? ok ,,let me put it another way ,,, start focusing on ur DAILY TASK will help build ur CONFIDENCE" and "STICK-TO-ITness" ,,,understand ??? and it will get u there !!!
5,,,stop BITCHING about ur lack of time , it WONT help
iv heard a lot of people say i just dont have the time , i m just tooooooooo busy to do it , i gotta admit everybody SEEMS TO be busy making a LOUSY living , face it , its a tough reality we need to face ! BUT , lets think about how much time we really need to put in English , 1hrs or 5 hrs , or anything between ? if time is everything , considering the amount of time and efforts we HAVE put in english learning , we should be doing better than we are. id say time is not the determined factor , id suggest you spend 30 mins or so reading ur TASK on a daily basis , for instance , based on ur own current Engish Level , decide on how big ur task is , lets say you wanna get 5 sentences done today , then wake up reading it and make full use of ur SPARE time to read them out loud , make sure u can BLURT them OUT right before you go to bed , this is more of a commitment than a task , u will find urself saying ,,,this works like a CHARM if you can stay on track for 30 days , have u ever tried before ? no ? then give it ur best shot and DONT let anything or anybody intrude on this COMMITMENT!!!
 6,,,speaking english will teach you speak English
what does this mean ? lets say once you have kept them in ur mind , then its time to get them out ,,, for example , if you learned a sentence "did you sleep well/soundly last night?" ,,then PLEASE use it / speak it to ur colleagues , be afraid of making mistakes ? be afraid of looking bad? the more mistakes you make , the more progress you make , then lets enjoy making mistakes ! and u wont get laughed at ...as you are working on it
 u c ,,,commitment , enjoy making mistakes , will power , perseverance , stick to it ,,, and success takes patience as well , always remember , most haste , less speed ! combined with a pro , materials is what it takes to learn this language ,,, what u got now ?
 stop wondering how to ,,, start asking "if i have the POSITIVE attitude " ...trust me my friend , you will get there ,,,pretty soon !
 keep up the good work ,,,
to all those who are still struggling with ENGLISH ,,,its all worth ur effort , cos ENGLISH pays off!
break a leg!
June 06 do u ever feel the same way ???(LYRICS)Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place? Like somehow you just don't belong And no one understands you Do you ever wanna run away? No you don't know what it's like To be hurt, to feel lost Do you wanna be somebody else? Are you stuck inside a world you hate? No you don't know what it's like No one ever lied straight to your face June 05 OK ,,,OK ,,,刚跑步回来,,,洗完澡,,,看着窗外的夜景,,,点上根烟,,,泡上杯咖啡,,,总觉得自己是个幸福的人,即使幸福的定义每个人都不一样,对于我来说,拥有PEACE OF MIND就是一种幸福,哪怕只是瞬间!
2个月多点的生活,有点乏味,有点充实,有点迷茫,有点孤单...
说不出什么味道,总是觉得自己在进步就好了,其它方面,都是空白,有时候会怀疑自己的生活方式,至少我还可以选择,也许我还是幸福的,也许啊Q精神还是有点用,,,因为每次看到楼下下班时候人们拥挤的场景,很难想象自己是不是会逃走,,,尤其是下雨天...
有时候觉得自己挺可怕的,,,因为为什么我那么的不一样,,,我有点害怕,因为这样的不一样 是不是让人觉得我很奇怪,或者都没有了正常的朋友.因为不知道从什么时候开始,,不太喜欢和朋友一起, 聊天,哪怕只是闲聊,去吃饭,去PUBBING , 但是每次跑步路过一些吃夜宵的地方,看着很多人,热闹的样子,我又会想,这样也挺好! 不知道自己怎么了，如果我说我开始讨厌这样无聊的,肤浅的活动,是不是有人会骂我装呢...骂吧,如果我在意这些,我不会走到今天 ,不是吗? 我很清楚, 是,不会!
每个到我SPACE或者甚至与身边的人,和我谈的问的最多的都是英语之类,即使我觉得, 我想谈更多更多的东西,什么是英语,为什么要学,怎么学? 有时候真的,回答的累了,,,曾经是我的梦想,但是,6年过去了,我的梦想走远了,太远了,,,远的太少人可以理解和支持,我只是一个人走,也只能一个人走,,走累了,和自己说,你可以,走的绝路上的时候,我只想说,TONY,那你就开辟一条路出来吧! 可笑的是,我从来不觉得这是条死路!
本来今天想写点怎么学英语的东西的,不过和一个朋友电话到现在,写不出来了,改天吧,,,
最近都快疯了,,,下周是我们工作最关键的一周,,希望能有好消息,,真的,,,祈祷吧,,,我真的觉得
IT SUCKS TO FEEL OUT OT CONTROL,,,
头痛了,,,好痛!
June 03 IM buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurned OOOOOOOUTNOTHING COMES TO MY MIND
MY MIND IS MESSED UP :(
im just WIPED OUT
 hoping to be myself real SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON...
i like to be at my BEST ...
im sick of myself being so damn perfect all the time
i know i cant let myself go on like this forever ...
i need to enjoy some DOWN time ,,,
if you are stressed out like TONY , pls , click www.fuckit@ihatemylife.com ...where you will get some step by step tips and coaching advice to keep you from being FUCKED UP
,,,dont CLICK unless you know it is a JOKEhaha ,,,you know im just messing around with you guys ,,,i love you guys ....
 nobody is more fond of you than im  tony , you are almost halfway there ,,,hang in there!
who is this ??? who is talking to me up there ??? who the hell is that ????????????
sounds like a really positive guy ,,,
 is there anyone who could just shut TONY up ,,,
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
June 02 we are living WHOSE life??????????????????????????????????iv heard things a lot like "iv always wanted to take a vacation , iv always wanted to lose weight , iv always wanted to change my job , iv always wanted to do ,,,and i havent done a thing about it". whenever i hear this , i cant help thinking why and what is it that is holding people back from doing what they really want to do .
couple of days ago , one of my friends who seems to be earning a good living and enjoy the company of family and friends , but he says he feels restless and unsatisfied and he stresses , there is so much more he wants to do with his life but lacks the courage and confidence to do so... which kinda gave me nudge to write something about "whats holding us back from doing something we really want to do " ,,,
when we want to step out to do something , we normally think about it , dream about it , talk about it or even visualize it , VERY FEW of us would actually act on it , you know why , like my friend i mentioned here said , he lacked the necessary courage and confidence to do so. so u might start wondering where courage and confidence comes from, i guess emotional strengh like courage comes along with ACTION ,if you want to make a positive difference or change in any aspect of ur life , action is the only way to make it possible,
there is an EXCELLENT chance that we might feel fear or self-doubt when we want to make a change, cos change is a process of giving up something you already have and you dont know what you will be getting in return , which makes CHANGE a scary thing to do for most people , and i gotta point out that change is something we have been taught to AVOID since we were kids. havent u guys noticed that we have actually been trained to give away our power early in life , on a subconsicous and unconsicous level , each of us has been taught to live by the rules imposed on us by generations of parental influences , societal demands and damn educational training , you know rules like "dont be a know-it-all, dont be so full of urself , dont blow ur own trumpet, be happy with what you have , and be fucking MODEST ..." look at those damn self-defeating thoughts and rules that might have ended up stifling our spirit, sometimes i was wondering what the hell our society is actually producing and creating , it goes without saying that by teaching kids to stay in line we create well-behaved behaviors instead of someone useful in the future , while this may make our education and parenting a whole lot easier , but ,,dont u think it has enormous costs later in our lives, we grow up to be an unhappy adults who desperately want to lead our own lives , yet lack the necessary skills and courage to do so ,like the other day there was a 9 yr old boy who came up to me while we were waiting for a bus cos i was reading an english book , i guess he might have been interested or courious about it and he seemed pretty cute and shy , i started a conversation off by asking him how old he is and what grade he is in ,,hobby stuff like that , to be honest , i was kinda sad when he started talking , cos he had a hard time speaking whole sentences , dont get me wrong here , its not that he is retarded or something , i have to say he just lacks the necessary and basic communication skills to talk to a strange....am i getting off track here ??? haha , whatever , i was just saying that most of us feel as if they are living a life scripted or prescribed by others , they long to break out of their self-imposed limitations and lead their own lives or do what they really want to do . i guess our childhood education and early life experience have a lot to do with our confidence and self-esteem , which is the very thing we need to make any positive changes in our lives ,
like my friend , he also says he has to take care of the family financially , put the needs of others before his own even if he has his own priority , he is afraid of having to deal with the fallout from his family and friends , cos there is a good chance people may feel uncomfortable or even guilty if they made their needs top of a priority , which is why too many of us are struggling to act like a goody goody husband or wife or family memeber to avoid any potential confrontation by pushing their own dream or goals down deep . which is also why many of us rather stay at a job that undermines their self-esteem that they cant even stand , but the job pays the bills even though the job leaves them feeling unfilled , they dont want to and like to change , cos they dont have the courage to find a job that he is really passionate about , some of us are not even aware of it , what a pathetic creature ! i always hear friends complaining about their jobs even though if they make over 10,000 a month , normally they working very very unreasonalbe and demanding schedule and under a lot of pressure , u know what , i dont give a shit about the salary and i feel deeply sorry for them , if life was all about making money , id ask ...whats the point of living in this world ? when it comes to relationship , how many people have u seen that stay in a relationship thats draining their energy and self-esteem , whats wrong with those people ??? i dont get it ,,like i said cos change is SCARY , and making changes usually means exposing ourselves to criticism , judgement and the opinions of others , and we are SO used to being attached to the opinions of others , whenever we make a tough or important call , we have a tendency to ask around for input of friends , colleagues or parents and most of us let them direct our lives in some way , believe it or not , most of us do ! WHY ? if they didnt , they would know what was holding them back from doing what they want , its NOT just about laziiness ,about lack of fucking time ,about money ,,,its about ourselves , we just keep ourselves SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO busy that we dont even have time to listen to what our heart has to say , we feel disconnected from our inner world and whats even worse is we have also been taught to live outside ur inner world , the world sucks , you will like it , like the job you might be doing sucks , but you will say ,,this is life , isnt it ? people never think they can make changes , they never think they can do something they really like,,, they NEVER , they just think about it and daydream about it ,,,,complain about it like there is no tomorrow !
being connected to our inner world is a very effective way to build confidence and self-esteem , we need to listen to our persistent inner voicces cos they never lie to u. the more u listen to her , the more loyal she is to u , the less attached you will become to the opinions of others , the more confident you are and the more likely you will turn out to be a wonderful person in the world . and you will feel less terrified and scared when facing a challenge or a change u really want to make.
who do u think you arethe question may seem at first glance OFFENSIVE , im not sure about others, i guess i would be pissed off if i was asked or yelled by this quesiton , i distinctly remember once yelling at my canadian friend kevin when he felt culturally superior just cos he is from Canada. i think this question is used a lot in a situation like that where people just seem to know it all or where we meet someone who is really stuck up and arrogant. however , that is only the one case , i find myself keeping asking myself this question especially when i decide to do something that seems impossible or insurmountable , like my first presentation i did almost 5 yrs ago , when i was walking up to the stage , there was a very strong inner voice that kept asking me , tony ," who the hell do you think you , you are just a kid , what makes u think you have something important to share with those adults from all walks of life , you are gonna make a complete fool out of urself... " i was terrified and overwhelmed by such a large audience, i was shaking in my shoes, my heart was beating and my palm was sweating like crazy , but i knew i had no choice but to deliver it , the only thing that was keeping me going in that critical moment was there was another voice deep down inside that kinda said to me , tony , "you can do it , its not a big deal , you have waited this moment for such a long time , you are well prepped for this speech and im sure you can do an excellent job , besides , always remember , you will NEVER , NEVER know what you can do until you TRY , tony ,give it ur best shot and it is ur opportunity to SHINE " .there was no way i could possbily back out of it and i did it , and i ended up with a HUGE success and my boss paid me a compliment , what mattered to me most was it was the first time i actually understood what i felt like to stretch urself out of ur comfort zone. it is such a good feeling , cos u know you are growing up and it gives me a tremendous amount of confidence and courage to handle something that may seem impossible that may come ur way in the future. |
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